Relapsing after Sobriety

Somebody said to me quite recently that “we all have the same 24 hours” which stuck with me. I get a little annoyed when people with 30 years sobriety try to use their length of abstinence as a way to win an argument or to tell others what they should be doing.

That’s not that I don’t respect people’s long term sobriety – Quite the opposite. It’s what I want to achieve in my life but whether I’m on Day 15 like I am today or on Day 3,000 in 8 years time I’d like to think I’d approach recovery the same way I always have. With an open mind and open ears. I’ll never tell people what they should do to stay sober and I won’t mock or wish anything bad on people I don’t agree with. I’m regularly the subject of both on Twitter (or X if you call it that now) – the place where I do most of my recovery community interaction.

I’ve spoken about this loads of times and it never changes so unless I accept that there are unfortunately some very unpleasant people in recovery (and online!) I’ll never be happy. I’m working hard on ignoring these people because they seem to get off on abusing others.

I won’t quit Twitter because in the main it’s been a very positive experience for me over the last 28 months. I’ve made some good friends and even find myself part of a Recovery WhatsApp group now thanks to meeting these people via Elon Musk’s latest toy. I get DMs regularly from people thanking me for sharing my Blog and asking for my advice. As I’ve already said, I’ll share what works for me but I’ll be clear to others that they need to find their own suitable tools because we are all different.

This same old shit that I hear pretty much daily on social media from the militant Alcoholics Anonymous folk is “if you work the programme it can’t fail.”

But you could say that about anything!

They are quick to dismiss other programmes when people relapse yet their script never changes towards AA.

“Work the steps and you won’t drink”

If only it was that easy, eh?

Life doesn’t work like that. And AA has a very low success rate so I’d question their own approach before they attack other people’s paths in recovery.

Another thing I wanted to mention was the whole counting days / continuous days of sobriety.

So I was sober for 458 days. I drank. But then I quickly got back on the horse so to speak and went 138 days without drinking.

Now obviously in an ideal World I wouldn’t have picked up a drink at all but I’m part of the majority that have. I can either beat myself up and say “I’ve ruined my sobriety. Those 458 days were for nothing” or I can reframe it and say this;

“Yes I picked up alcohol after 458 days but after two days of drinking I made the decision to not drink again and this lasted for 138 days. So in a 596 day period I drank on TWO Days. I was sober for FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY SIX DAYS.

In those 85 weeks (and bear in mind I’m referring to me entering recovery for the first time in my life here) I was sober for 99.66% of the time.

Prior to that between the age of 17 and 34 I was a binge drinker who abused my body, mind and the people around me and ended up not only in detox but sectioned in a mental health hospital.

Some people will twist the numbers against me and say I’m back to square one as soon as I have a drink but that’s their opinion – not mine.

As I’ve already said – none of us want to relapse or to pick up a single drink after entering recovery. Moderation isn’t an option for the vast majority of us so it’s all or nothing and we’ve accepted abstinence is the answer. Great, good start. However, in the real world most of us are not fortunate enough to enter into a lifetime of abstinence on the first time of asking and remain sober until the day we die. I don’t care what you say, the data doesn’t lie. Most people have a relapse in them. In fact, most people will pick up again a number of times before finally achieving long term sobriety.

So this is why I prefer not to count days as such. I prefer to share the bigger picture of my journey which includes long spells of abstaining coupled with a few isolated days of picking up a drink. I’m fortunate that on those occasions I chose recovery again rather than the daily bottle.

Let me be clear though. I’m not endorsing relapses or whatever you call them. Not everybody survives a relapse and there are no guarantees you will return back to sobriety from it – my point is that if you do relapse and you have the strength to pull yourself away from the drink again you should focus on the positives that came before the relapse as opposed to beat yourself up about the end of your ‘sober streak’

But hey, I’m not here to tell you what to do or think – this is just my safe space to ramble after all!

The Philosophy of Ever After

The Greek Philosopher Aristotle worked out there were four aspects of human nature that we should all follow in order to flourish in life.

These were, in no particular order;

1. Caring for our bodies by eating well, exercising and getting plenty of rest

2. Finding Emotional Balance by avoiding things that make us unhappy and doing more of the things that make us feel good

3. Humans thrive in groups so we should live and socialise with others to develop our individual happiness

4. Learn, create and express ourselves

Now, it’s hardly rocket science is it? And nearly 2,500 years ago when Aristotle was alive and kicking he said as much himself. The four aspects he mentions are accessible by the many not the few. We can achieve this wherever we live in the World and regardless of how rich we are (to a degree).

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that when we look for self improvement, whether that be recovering from addiction like me or maybe somebody who has just come out of a long term relationship we could do a lot worse than to look at the philosophical teachings of an Ancient Greek with a curly beard.

I write regularly about mental health and even without alcohol in my life I still have periods of struggle. It’s no surprise that when I’m regularly exercising, getting food quality sleep and eating nutritiously I feel better mentally. I think when I first stopped drinking I naively thought it would be a significant enough change alone to make me feel so much better day to day. Sure, as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months you feel and look less bloated. Your sleep improves and you have more energy in your day. Your thinking becomes less cloudy and your anxiety levels reduce – but if you continue to eat poorly and avoid exercise you’ll struggle to shift that feeling of fatigue and before you know it you’ll be substituting your once unhealthy consumption of alcohol with food equivalents. I certainly saw my appetite increase in the months after I got sober and developed a sweet tooth (which I’d never had before) – your body misses the sugars alcohol gives it.

Aristotle talks about emotional balance too. I think this is very true. Think about it simplistically for a moment. You are invited on a work night out. You don’t really socialise with your work colleagues and you aren’t a big drinker plus the function is in the City Centre on a Saturday night. You get anxious about it all week leading up to the event. You are only going because you feel obliged to go.

Now imagine how you feel if you politely decline the night out – you aren’t the only person who can’t make it. You choose to order in some food and have a night in watching a film with a friend. After all, you work hard all week so it’s a treat to chill out with your favourite food and a film you’ve been wanting to see for ages!

Whilst Aristotle isn’t saying avoid things for the rest of your life (being out of our comfort zone can be good for resilience and confidence) we shouldn’t over analyse all of our day to day life events. Most of the time the other people involved won’t care half as much as you are catastrophising and worrying about it. I’ve noticed that with me not drinking. I thought I would stand out on nights out and people would be quizzing me about not consuming alcohol but it very rarely gets mentioned – and even then I get the standard response of “Good for you, wish I had your strength”.

Humans are social animals. We have been for thousands of years. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your own company or not like living alone. Aristotle doesn’t mean that. But look at it from another angle. Would you be happy without engaging with another human being all day? Every day? No contact through social media, texting, on the telephone or face to face? Control how often you socialise but make sure you do. The chemicals in your body will thank you for it.

Ever get that warm feeling when you finish a book? The enjoyment you get from successfully finishing a crossword or answering a question correctly on TV’s University Challenge? Aristotle encourages us to explore, create and learn new things. On our terms. I ran my first Trail Race last year and started Yoga classes. I began to read more often. All of those things make me feel happy.

I’ll certainly continue to bear in mind Aristotle’s four aspects of human nature as I move forward. It’s certainly one of the easier parts of Philosophy to remember!

And so I’ll leave you with one last piece of Philosophical Thinking for today whilst I’m in this type of head space. I think it is so ‘me’…

“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” – Aristotle