So here we are

It’s been a while. I apologise.

In an ideal World I was going to blog for the rest of my life and get so much from it whilst at the the same time reaching a huge audience which would eventually lead to a book deal, film and the riches that come with it. Obviously that was never going to happen because in reality I’m a pretty boring, generic bloke who just deals with most of his shit in a worse way than the majority. There is no huge scandal and there is no happy ending.

So where are we? (or shouldn’t that be, where am I?)

Well, it’s been over 6 months since my last blog post and I must admit that I have and haven’t missed blogging in that time. Maybe my addiction didn’t miss it come to think of it. I always want to be open and be ME in this Blog and I felt that I was starting to censor what I wrote more and more as more people became aware of it (particularly people closer to home).

It’s probably a good time to give you a quick fire update on the lay of the land before I go any further!

I’m now aged 37. The girls are 5 and 9. I’m still separated from my wife who I married in 2012 and was with from 2006. I am just over one year in my rented “penthouse” as the girls call it when in reality it’s a top floor two bedroom studio flat in a village not a million miles away from where I set up home with the Ex and my daughters. I’m still working in the same mundane job in the same company I’ve been at for 17 years now – No beef there. It’s a good company which has stood by me through my deep dark times and in turn I’ve worked my arse off and gone beyond my expected “9-5” remit when needed.

So how’s the “not drinking” going I hear you say?!

I’m not drinking but I’d say that I’m back into that dangerous cycle I was when I first left hospital in Feb 2021 and pretty much winged it. I managed 458 days of sobriety on that occasion – something I haven’t been able to replicate since but I’m trying not to over analyse things. My focus has been on, and will always be on being the best possible father to my little girls and whilst I appreciate being sober needs to be a huge condition of that I’m still wrestling with that never again mantra which I became so obsessed with previously when reading then following the AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) programme.

I have some good friends in recovery who I met via the AVRT pathway and we talk daily on WhatsApp which gives me a day to day support mechanism. I’ve explored SMART Recovery in 2024 because of it’s foundations back to AVRT and because it offers in person meetings (like AA) but without the restrictions that I’ve always felt AA can impose on people that don’t align with that way of thinking or belief.

I’m doing ok. Last drink was 06 Jan 2024 when I made an irrational decision to pick up in a place where I was unfamiliar to others. I drank to excess and was beaten up. Pretty bad actually. The short term wounds were nasty on the eye and longer term I have scars on my head (being bald puts scars on the front row) but the biggest wound is the fact I allowed myself to be vulnerable again. I was on my own in a place I’d never visited and surrounded myself with people I didn’t know. I’m no saint, and after 8-10 pints of Guinness I suspect I may have been difficult (I’m only saying this based on what others have said about my past drinking exploits) but nothing deserves an assault like what I endured.

I remember coming round in hospital with a nurse stitching up my head. My lip, eye, jaw, fingers, elbows and buttocks were all cut or bruised. In the days that followed I was in extreme pain with my ribs. The police weren’t interested and the pub itself didn’t offer much. I can only assume I looked at or said the wrong thing to the wrong people and faced the consequences.

It’s not just the personal mental and physical damage though. My little girls wanted to know why Daddy had injuries. Why he was sad.

When they are older I hope I’m able to share this Blog with them but at the moment it’s about protecting them whilst not bullshitting too much because there are other people impacted by my drinking and the consequences of my drinking such as their Mum and the wider family.

I’ve massively reduced my antidepressants too this year (working with my GP) because I was left on the highest UK dosage of Citalopram from my days in the Psychiatric Hospital. I have definitely felt the benefit of reducing my medication but I’m also very conscious that it’s dangerous to rush these things – especially in my case where I’ve been on a high daily dose for three years. I’ve had a few side effects whilst reducing (such as increased fatigue, irritability and stomach pains) but these passed after a week or so. Touch wood I’m now medication free and not feeling like there is any negative outcome. If I need to return to mental health medication in the future I’m fine with that.

I just feel that if I’m sober and not poisoning my body like I did from the age of 17 to 34 then let’s see how my brain can manage the chemicals organically without the help of other foreign bodies.

I’m purposely not going to spell check and grammar correct this blog post because I wanted to share a raw spontaneous entry without any premeditated reasoning. I’ve read a lot of Matthew Perry’s memoir (RIP) in recent days along with listening to various “Sober” Podcasts so I think it’s just pushed me back towards my own outlet.

I won’t leave it so long until my next post but I also have to be honest that I’m not entirely engaged with a recovery programme at this moment in time and that makes me vulnerable. I need to work some of the early steps of AVRT whilst committing to a real time (now) plan – whether that is solely using AVRT or putting it in tandem with something like Smart or therapy.

I think about drinking EVERY day at the moment. Most days I can shut down my addictive voice pretty easily but other days I have several hours of intense and tiring fighting. That isn’t sustainable.

Relapsing after Sobriety

Somebody said to me quite recently that “we all have the same 24 hours” which stuck with me. I get a little annoyed when people with 30 years sobriety try to use their length of abstinence as a way to win an argument or to tell others what they should be doing.

That’s not that I don’t respect people’s long term sobriety – Quite the opposite. It’s what I want to achieve in my life but whether I’m on Day 15 like I am today or on Day 3,000 in 8 years time I’d like to think I’d approach recovery the same way I always have. With an open mind and open ears. I’ll never tell people what they should do to stay sober and I won’t mock or wish anything bad on people I don’t agree with. I’m regularly the subject of both on Twitter (or X if you call it that now) – the place where I do most of my recovery community interaction.

I’ve spoken about this loads of times and it never changes so unless I accept that there are unfortunately some very unpleasant people in recovery (and online!) I’ll never be happy. I’m working hard on ignoring these people because they seem to get off on abusing others.

I won’t quit Twitter because in the main it’s been a very positive experience for me over the last 28 months. I’ve made some good friends and even find myself part of a Recovery WhatsApp group now thanks to meeting these people via Elon Musk’s latest toy. I get DMs regularly from people thanking me for sharing my Blog and asking for my advice. As I’ve already said, I’ll share what works for me but I’ll be clear to others that they need to find their own suitable tools because we are all different.

This same old shit that I hear pretty much daily on social media from the militant Alcoholics Anonymous folk is “if you work the programme it can’t fail.”

But you could say that about anything!

They are quick to dismiss other programmes when people relapse yet their script never changes towards AA.

“Work the steps and you won’t drink”

If only it was that easy, eh?

Life doesn’t work like that. And AA has a very low success rate so I’d question their own approach before they attack other people’s paths in recovery.

Another thing I wanted to mention was the whole counting days / continuous days of sobriety.

So I was sober for 458 days. I drank. But then I quickly got back on the horse so to speak and went 138 days without drinking.

Now obviously in an ideal World I wouldn’t have picked up a drink at all but I’m part of the majority that have. I can either beat myself up and say “I’ve ruined my sobriety. Those 458 days were for nothing” or I can reframe it and say this;

“Yes I picked up alcohol after 458 days but after two days of drinking I made the decision to not drink again and this lasted for 138 days. So in a 596 day period I drank on TWO Days. I was sober for FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY SIX DAYS.

In those 85 weeks (and bear in mind I’m referring to me entering recovery for the first time in my life here) I was sober for 99.66% of the time.

Prior to that between the age of 17 and 34 I was a binge drinker who abused my body, mind and the people around me and ended up not only in detox but sectioned in a mental health hospital.

Some people will twist the numbers against me and say I’m back to square one as soon as I have a drink but that’s their opinion – not mine.

As I’ve already said – none of us want to relapse or to pick up a single drink after entering recovery. Moderation isn’t an option for the vast majority of us so it’s all or nothing and we’ve accepted abstinence is the answer. Great, good start. However, in the real world most of us are not fortunate enough to enter into a lifetime of abstinence on the first time of asking and remain sober until the day we die. I don’t care what you say, the data doesn’t lie. Most people have a relapse in them. In fact, most people will pick up again a number of times before finally achieving long term sobriety.

So this is why I prefer not to count days as such. I prefer to share the bigger picture of my journey which includes long spells of abstaining coupled with a few isolated days of picking up a drink. I’m fortunate that on those occasions I chose recovery again rather than the daily bottle.

Let me be clear though. I’m not endorsing relapses or whatever you call them. Not everybody survives a relapse and there are no guarantees you will return back to sobriety from it – my point is that if you do relapse and you have the strength to pull yourself away from the drink again you should focus on the positives that came before the relapse as opposed to beat yourself up about the end of your ‘sober streak’

But hey, I’m not here to tell you what to do or think – this is just my safe space to ramble after all!