It’s been a while. I apologise.
In an ideal World I was going to blog for the rest of my life and get so much from it whilst at the the same time reaching a huge audience which would eventually lead to a book deal, film and the riches that come with it. Obviously that was never going to happen because in reality I’m a pretty boring, generic bloke who just deals with most of his shit in a worse way than the majority. There is no huge scandal and there is no happy ending.
So where are we? (or shouldn’t that be, where am I?)
Well, it’s been over 6 months since my last blog post and I must admit that I have and haven’t missed blogging in that time. Maybe my addiction didn’t miss it come to think of it. I always want to be open and be ME in this Blog and I felt that I was starting to censor what I wrote more and more as more people became aware of it (particularly people closer to home).
It’s probably a good time to give you a quick fire update on the lay of the land before I go any further!
I’m now aged 37. The girls are 5 and 9. I’m still separated from my wife who I married in 2012 and was with from 2006. I am just over one year in my rented “penthouse” as the girls call it when in reality it’s a top floor two bedroom studio flat in a village not a million miles away from where I set up home with the Ex and my daughters. I’m still working in the same mundane job in the same company I’ve been at for 17 years now – No beef there. It’s a good company which has stood by me through my deep dark times and in turn I’ve worked my arse off and gone beyond my expected “9-5” remit when needed.
So how’s the “not drinking” going I hear you say?!
I’m not drinking but I’d say that I’m back into that dangerous cycle I was when I first left hospital in Feb 2021 and pretty much winged it. I managed 458 days of sobriety on that occasion – something I haven’t been able to replicate since but I’m trying not to over analyse things. My focus has been on, and will always be on being the best possible father to my little girls and whilst I appreciate being sober needs to be a huge condition of that I’m still wrestling with that never again mantra which I became so obsessed with previously when reading then following the AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) programme.
I have some good friends in recovery who I met via the AVRT pathway and we talk daily on WhatsApp which gives me a day to day support mechanism. I’ve explored SMART Recovery in 2024 because of it’s foundations back to AVRT and because it offers in person meetings (like AA) but without the restrictions that I’ve always felt AA can impose on people that don’t align with that way of thinking or belief.
I’m doing ok. Last drink was 06 Jan 2024 when I made an irrational decision to pick up in a place where I was unfamiliar to others. I drank to excess and was beaten up. Pretty bad actually. The short term wounds were nasty on the eye and longer term I have scars on my head (being bald puts scars on the front row) but the biggest wound is the fact I allowed myself to be vulnerable again. I was on my own in a place I’d never visited and surrounded myself with people I didn’t know. I’m no saint, and after 8-10 pints of Guinness I suspect I may have been difficult (I’m only saying this based on what others have said about my past drinking exploits) but nothing deserves an assault like what I endured.
I remember coming round in hospital with a nurse stitching up my head. My lip, eye, jaw, fingers, elbows and buttocks were all cut or bruised. In the days that followed I was in extreme pain with my ribs. The police weren’t interested and the pub itself didn’t offer much. I can only assume I looked at or said the wrong thing to the wrong people and faced the consequences.
It’s not just the personal mental and physical damage though. My little girls wanted to know why Daddy had injuries. Why he was sad.
When they are older I hope I’m able to share this Blog with them but at the moment it’s about protecting them whilst not bullshitting too much because there are other people impacted by my drinking and the consequences of my drinking such as their Mum and the wider family.
I’ve massively reduced my antidepressants too this year (working with my GP) because I was left on the highest UK dosage of Citalopram from my days in the Psychiatric Hospital. I have definitely felt the benefit of reducing my medication but I’m also very conscious that it’s dangerous to rush these things – especially in my case where I’ve been on a high daily dose for three years. I’ve had a few side effects whilst reducing (such as increased fatigue, irritability and stomach pains) but these passed after a week or so. Touch wood I’m now medication free and not feeling like there is any negative outcome. If I need to return to mental health medication in the future I’m fine with that.
I just feel that if I’m sober and not poisoning my body like I did from the age of 17 to 34 then let’s see how my brain can manage the chemicals organically without the help of other foreign bodies.
I’m purposely not going to spell check and grammar correct this blog post because I wanted to share a raw spontaneous entry without any premeditated reasoning. I’ve read a lot of Matthew Perry’s memoir (RIP) in recent days along with listening to various “Sober” Podcasts so I think it’s just pushed me back towards my own outlet.
I won’t leave it so long until my next post but I also have to be honest that I’m not entirely engaged with a recovery programme at this moment in time and that makes me vulnerable. I need to work some of the early steps of AVRT whilst committing to a real time (now) plan – whether that is solely using AVRT or putting it in tandem with something like Smart or therapy.
I think about drinking EVERY day at the moment. Most days I can shut down my addictive voice pretty easily but other days I have several hours of intense and tiring fighting. That isn’t sustainable.
Happy Daddy 