Life is a Rollercoaster

Day 39: It’s been a very up and down kinda week for me. My mood has changed massively on a daily basis but as ever it’s difficult to try and understand why!

From a self care point of view I’m doing loads. Still sober and despite a few little thoughts about alcohol I’m generally not interested in it and have no desire to drink. I’ve been doing short runs around the village, walking daily to try and help me hit 10,000 steps – and I’m eating better. In fact I lost my first stone of 2021 after today’s weigh in. I’m feeling better for it physically. I take my medication (40mg of Citalopram) every morning and I’m trying out Yoga and meditation when I get a moment to myself. I’m reading more (less screen time before bed!) and I’m back at work albeit working from home and on reduced hours.

I get plenty pats on the back and I’m pleased with my progress but there have been a few days this week where I’ve really struggled to pull myself out of a depressive episode. I’ve persevered and done some of the above. Therapists call it your ‘mental toolkit’ – but despite my best efforts I can’t shift the darkness and I’ve accepted defeat versus my head in that particular day. I was in bed by 5pm on Tuesday. I just couldn’t operate, talk, eat. I wanted to be on my own. I woke up on Wednesday and felt fresh. I felt motivated. I had a pretty good day in the end. Tuesday forgotten.

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I guess it’s easy for me to say “take it one day at a time” because when you are in a bad place it can be hard to look beyond that moment in time. That said, it’s the easiest way for me to work on my recovery. Tuesday sucked. I could have had a drink. I could have gone off somewhere on my own whilst in a vulnerable state. I chose to tell my wife I wasn’t good. She took control of the kids and told me to go upstairs. Wednesday was a good day. Thursday afternoon was a bit crappy again. I went for a walk. It helped. Friday was good. Nothing special happened but I just enjoyed the sunshine. The music on the radio. Speaking to a colleague at work about things. It’s just accepting that life isn’t straightforward. You can’t predict how you’ll feel tomorrow or next week. Focus on the now. Let tomorrow come to you.

The Perfect Storm

Day 20: I’ve had a little break since my last post but things are going well. I’m 20 days sober and haven’t craved the stuff. I did have a can of Bitter Shandy fizzy pop the other day though. But I stuck to one!

I’ve been keeping myself busy with DIY, spending time with my little ones and focusing on my mental and physical health. The depression and anxiety have remained pretty quiet of late but I wonder if that’s the fact I’ve just come out of hospital and been so determined to move forward and keep myself in a positive place. I’m under no illusions the dark days will return in the future but I need to give myself a fighting chance to tackle my dark days head on by living a cleaner, healthier and more relaxed life day to day. I often wonder if I’ll ever drink another drop of booze again because it was a big part of my social and private life for years. My Dad has an unhealthy relationship with booze and my Grandad before him was described as a drunk who would spend the rent money in the pub. I didn’t buck the trend by drinking but I’m certainly bucking the trend by admitting I have a problem and I need to not drink to have the best chance of saving my sanity, my family and maybe my life.

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I’m under no illusions that drinking was the only issue in my life but it intertwined itself into most aspects of my living. I was selfish. I was controlling and I was often angry. My wife has told me some home truths this week and for my marriage to work going forward there needs to be some huge changes with the way I speak to and treat her. I live in a house with three ladies and I’m ashamed to say there have been many times where I have emotionally abused my partner of 15 years. I wasn’t actively and consciously doing it but looking back I was doing it because of the way I felt about myself and a disregard for the feelings of somebody I am meant to love and care for. Am I a Sexist? No. But was I dismissive of my wife because I was the full time worker and more socially active of the two of us? Yes. And I’m ashamed.

We only get one shot at life. I’ve made mistakes but I try not to have regrets because I can’t change the past and I know the past can shape your future. I know I’m not a bad person. I love my daughters and I love my wife. I have a mortgage, a car, a good job and all in all decent physical health. My friends are good eggs and my parents are supportive. Things could be so much more difficult for me and I need to appreciate the positives in my life. The alcohol doesn’t let you appreciate those things. The alcohol wants me to focus on the alcohol.

Final quip from me to end on a positive. When I was in hospital I started reading ‘Shoe Dog’ by the founder of Nike; Phil Knight. I haven’t quite finished it but I will this week. It’s been so refreshing to read about an introvert who didn’t enjoy public speaking and selling but build up one of the world’s most recognisable brands from nothing. He could relate to the product – sports shoes. He was a runner in school and college. His social circle was dominated by fellow runners. He had the perfect storm of components to launch a new line of trainers that he knew would always be needed as long as we walk and run on this Earth. He also had to travel a lot to get his business off the ground which leads me to a quote of his…

“The single easiest way to find out how you feel about someone. Say goodbye.”

I can totally relate to this from my recent time away from those I love. The darkest hours of my life have also been my most fulfilling in terms of realising what is most important to me. The perfect storm?